Courtship goals - Agreement in ideals
By Fr. Daniel Pinheiro - The purpose of courtship should also consist in verifying the existence of mutual agreement in ideals, whether both sides accept Catholic doctrine in general and on marriage
Note from the translator: Fr. Luiz Carlos Lodi da Cruz and Fr. Daniel Pinheiro wrote a good number of articles on Courtship that we are translating now.
General View on Courtship by Fr. Luiz Carlos Lodi da Cruz
Ideal duration by Fr. Daniel Pinheiro
Mutual esteem, sympathy, trust by Fr. Daniel Pinheiro
Agreement in ideals by Fr. Daniel Pinheiro
The need of chastity by Fr. Daniel Pinheiro (coming soon)
Means to be chaste during courtship by Fr. Daniel Pinheiro (coming soon)
We took the freedom to break the articles when they were too big for a single email/post and we added images and headings for easier navigation.
Original in Portuguese here.
[As we have seen in the previous post] …. the most Reverend Father Lodi says that the purpose of courtship is “the knowledge of the soul of the other”. This knowledge of the soul is to know the qualities and defects, natural and supernatural, of the other, as well as to know what is the “ideal” (the goal) of life of the other. However, the conditions for a young man and woman to be able to safely build a Catholic home are four:
Great mutual esteem;
Deep mutual sympathy;
Deep mutual trust;
Agreement on the ideal (goal);
The purpose of courtship should be to verify the existence of these four conditions or to develop them. What follows is based on the work of Father François Dantec, Fiançailles Chrétiennes.
*** To read about mutual esteem, sympathy and trust, click here ***
4. Agreeing in the ideal (goal)
this agreement consists of knowing whether the two parties accept Catholic doctrine in general and on marriage in particular
A key point in choosing a future spouse is agreement on the ideal. Without that essential condition which is this agreement on the ideal, the future family has virtually no chance of forming a truly Christian and truly happy home in the Christian sense of happiness. Without considerable agreement on the main issues of life, it would be impossible to maintain the unity of heart and soul that is necessary for true Christian love.
What this agreement is not
That agreement is not necessarily sharing the same ideas about all things or having the same taste in all domains. This agreement does not, therefore, suppress differences that are legitimate and, at times, providential. This agreement does not mean total uniformity or the suppression of personalities. Nor is it necessary that there should be, from the beginning, a perfect agreement on ideas and on all the details of practical life.
What is this ideal?
This ideal is a certain commonality of vision and judgment regarding the meaning of life and the great problems of married life. In practice, this agreement consists of knowing whether the two parties accept Catholic doctrine in general and on marriage in particular. In order to question themselves about this agreement and be able to assess its existence, couples need to ask themselves whether they are truly Catholic or not.
Agreement on the Christian meaning of life
As a foundation, those who intend to marry must agree on the Christian meaning of life. The Christian meaning of life is given, first of all, by the firm profession of faith, with full acceptance of the teachings of Christ and of the Church. This agreement consists of both knowing that this life is just a passage to the future life, that we were created to be happy in heaven, after having known, loved and served God here on earth. This agreement consists of seeking first the kingdom of heaven, avoiding all sin as the greatest evil that exists.
Furthermore, this agreement must also have in mind the pursuit of the practice of other virtues, in addition to faith, hope and charity: humility, patience, fortitude, purity... This agreement must consist in the fact of recognizing that this life is a fight, in recognizing that we are disciples of a Master who died crucified and that we are not greater than Him. This agreement must consist of the recognition that only the true religion revealed by God can save us and bring the solution to our problems. This agreement consists of a firm willingness to remain faithful to Christ and the Church, despite all the deviations and snares of the world. That ideal on which lovers must agree is, in short, conformity in all things to the will of God.
Agreement on the Christian meaning of marriage
If the agreement is to concern all the important questions of life, it clearly has to extend especially to marriage. It only takes a little superficial reflection to arrive at the conclusion that lack of agreement in this area will lead to an unhappy home. Never let this point pass, as if it could be resolved later. Then it will be late. It is necessary to ask seriously, lucidly and courageously, whether agreement exists on this point. The agreement must be about:
The duty of fertility. Do you agree on what is the first duty of marriage? Do they agree with Catholic doctrine regarding generosity in the number of children? Do you agree that it is a mortal sin to avoid them by so-called artificial methods? Do you agree that natural methods can only be used guilt-free if there is a serious reason for doing so? Read more here:
The duty to raise children as Catholics. Do you agree with regard to the grave duty to ensure the Catholic education of children?
The duty of mutual love. Do you agree on the Christian meaning of this mutual love, which is, above all, a love derived from charity, which wants the good of the other and acts for the good of the other, above all for his or her salvation? Do you agree to sacrifice material goods, to secure marital duties, if necessary? Are you convinced that common life is the rule and that a separate life can only be considered for exceptionally serious reasons?
The duty of fidelity and indissoluble nature of marriage. It doesn't hurt to remember these two points. Do you agree that marriage is an exclusive union between both and that this union cannot be dissolved, except by the death of one of the spouses?
In case of serious disagreement
If a sufficient agreement does not exist — and there is no serious and well-founded hope that it could exist — the necessary conclusions must be drawn. This hope concerns courtship time and not married time.
It would be enormously imprudent to marry expecting such an arrangement to come into existence, it would be an almost certainly fatal mistake. In case of serious disagreement about the ideal (goal), it is necessary to immediately sever the relationships that would certainly lead to an unhappy marriage and full of problems of conscience.
This serious disagreement can be religious because the other is anti-Christian, atheist, indifferent to religion, or because he is Christian but not Catholic. In this case, the disagreement is evident. This disagreement also exists when the other is a profoundly mediocre Catholic, putting all his happiness here on earth, refusing all serious moral and spiritual effort, closing himself to the calls of grace. This deeply mediocre Catholic is the one who has become incapable of understanding and appreciating all the forms of sacrifice, greatness and detachment of good Christians. This is the lukewarm Christian. He may have certain human qualities, perhaps brilliant ones, but his Christianity has virtually no influence on his life. He does not see things with the eyes of faith. It is necessary to pay close attention to this mediocrity or lukewarmness, which many do not really take seriously when making a decision. Faced with the other's mediocrity, the relationship must be broken.
Unhappiness would be certain, as well as problems of conscience and the lack of a truly Christian love. Such advice may sound harsh, and indeed it is. However, failing to say these salutary truths would be serving souls very badly, it would be an apparent charity contrary to true charity.
In case of agreement
If this agreement is practically complete and if the other conditions are present (esteem, sympathy, trust), it is an immense grace. It is normal and desirable that they seek such an agreement and that they neglect nothing to reach it. This agreement will normally be the guarantee of a truly happy, radiant home.
Often, however, this agreement will not be complete. Perhaps, the other does not have the desired generosity. However, this lack of generosity can never reach the point of mediocrity or rejection of the Catholic faith. In addition to faith and a certain fervor, it is also necessary to demand a minimum of natural virtues, such as loyalty, sobriety, rectitude, courage, meekness, etc. Although a complete agreement may not exist in certain cases, it is possible to expect a marriage in which the spouses can gradually sanctify themselves, unless the least Catholic spouse is the one with the strongest personality. To marry without having that minimum agreement on the ideal would require very serious reasons, which is rare.